Oh Amanda, I had full body chills reading this and found myself tearing up at so many points.
I, too, feel that there has to be some correlation between our lived experiences of being women and the fact that 80% of all autoimmune diseases are experienced by women. The body keeps the score, whether we want it to or not, and it's so hard to see what's happening and what we're holding within us until it's too late.
"People you look up to and love would sometimes say such derogatory comments. You know they love you, so why are they saying those things about women. You still love them, but you don't like what they have said. And that's why it's so complicated. The disrespect is enmeshed so deeply, even amongst the love."
This bit really caught me in the pit of my stomach, and I feel like it's the underlying themes that run through our interactions with those we love and trust that have the most impact. In the end, when we're younger, we're just trying to find a way through the world and trying to survive as best as we can. You're right to say that knowing we can't always trust people would be soul destroying to know at such a young age, and maybe that level of fear would do the same things to us. It sometimes feels like being stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I think I would encourage my younger self to get to know who I am more quickly. To learn to filter out the stuff outside of me more and focus on my inner world and what feels right for me. Easier said than done, but that's what's made me feel most secure in myself as an adult. I don't think there's an easy or quick fix, and unfortunately I think that girls are growing up dealing with almost identical problems nowadays, just in different settings. It's sad that this seems to be a part of being a woman - part of our lived experience.
Thank you Ruth 💞 this was a really tricky one to write (hence why it's so blumin long) and I was scared to press post, I think because it's such a complex issue but felt even more necessary to discuss with everything that's happening in the world right now. I love what you would say to your younger self. It feels really radical just allowing yourself to be you and shine through despite what the world may throw at you. This year I've tried to harden yet soften at the same time. I'm trying to put boundaries in place and filter out what doesn't help, but also not lose the empathy and sensitivity which I see as a gift. It's a tricky balance to learn, but I'm hopeful ☺️ x
I started to read it, very well and authentically written, it is indeed very moving. To your comments, there is no quick fix, but one of the most powerful ways no matter what age is to indeed do the uncomfortable. Love them with their limited views but stay committed courageously to what your inner senses tell you what feels wrong or right for you in that time. Living this courageously and unapologetically will pave the path for these younger and little ones coming after you. They will have their role models in exactly those who live what they would secretely wish to. At the moment I see there is a movement growing with courageous women on Social Media no matter the age who show up authentically living their own values and findings, what they find healthy and nurturing for themselves without taking any consideration what the dictates of the day are for a woman how to look like, how to show up and in finding and following these rare gems it will grow! What we focus on grows and living our true inner wisdom will change this world for good! Very soon. We have to be the examples and wayshowers so that others can find their way in these complexities and willingly confusing times. Hope this makes sense in a nutshell.
I love this, thank you. I think there is a place for social media to be a source of goodness and positivity. Substack in particular has been a wonderful place for me to see how others are authentically living their lives and it gives me hope and inspiration. I'm getting better at filtering out what doesn't make me feel good, but then also asking myself why it doesn't and working through that.
I like your point about loving them with their limited views but keeping committed with your inner senses. I think I had a time of shutting everyone out thinking that was the way to stay afloat, but I'm learning that life doesn't work like, you have to learn to live amongst the chaos and the opposing views but staying grounded through it all. Thanks for your comment ☺️ x
I would tell the younger me to follow my own path, not to be diverted by other people’s opinions of what I should be. I’m convinced I wouldn’t have Autoimmune conditions now if I’d followed my bliss then. X
Thanks for sharing what you would say to younger you, I would tell my younger self to follow my own path more as well 💕 I look back and see she was so conflicted in trying to please everyone else and be a good person (whatever 'good' means) that I forgot what I wanted for myself. I wish it wasn't an autoimmune disease that made us all realise this, it feels like a blessing and a curse all in one sometimes! x
It is sad that it takes something so life changing to make us realise we are just as important. I know there are blessings to be found in everything, but sometimes I wished I’d learnt the lesson when it was a written test rather than having to take the practical one 😳😘
Oh crikey what a cracking read. You’re an excellent writer and touch on so many points I’ve been feeling about feminism and its connection to chronic illness/pain.
The talk about the effect chronic stress has on the body and in turn its impact on health. I’ve long thought that about my health but also struggled against an ability and sexist society to reduce that stress. That weird relationship of emotions and being fobbed off as it being ‘all in your head’ or ‘stress’ etc…
My mum is alive but wasn’t able to be who I wanted or needed her to be so a lot of this really resonated with me in a weird way. I’ve had to grieve over the years a loss of mum to chronic illness, mental health issues, probable neurodiversity, new boyfriends and just her lack of want.
Which makes reading your loss feel heavier, I feel awful feeling it and voicing it, but I’ve felt it many times. That your mum isn’t here and she was so very wanting and able to be in a mothering role.
I really welled up at the part where your dad asked in the supermarket what pads to buy for his teenage daughter. It was such a specific type of loss that was just so unfair on all of you but also how much he loves you and tries. But also how hard that must have been for him. But also the shame for you (you don’t mention it but I’m sure it was internalised that it was something you don’t speak to men about). I think it made me emotional as I didn’t have anyone doing that for me.
I remember a girlfriend of my dad’s mentioning tampons and going out to the corner shop with my pocket money to buy some. Then my mum finding them and being like ‘who told you about these’. She was so angry, but I’ve never looked back to understand why.
It was such an emotional read as I felt so much come up for me ! I’ve got endo but it’s from my dad’s side so my mum would say ‘you can’t have a day off school for your period’ even though I’d be doubled in pain, bleeding heavily and vomiting. She’s also a nurse so perhaps was harsher 😆
Wowzer, cracking. Loving reading your stuff! ❤️❤️❤️ I could say so much in response to this!
Thank you so much for the lovely comments and also sharing your own feelings that got stirred up after reading it 💕. You actually gave me the courage to post this, as I wrote it during the writers zoom meeting a few weeks back and I remember saying I was worried it will come across as 'too politcal' and you said something along the lines of that's actually why I should post it! So here it is ☺️ Isn't it weird how just existing in a female body can feel political 😌 x
Hahaa and I loved it! Clearly I was encouraging you to write something that I wanted to read 😆 or even needed to read.
Interestingly, I didn’t find it political. I found it feminist but not political. Well I’m so glad you got it out into the world as it’s a fabulous read, I still find myself mulling over parts of it.
I think female bodies have been politicalised! Men are in politics and so it’s no wonder that’s the case. But we shouldn’t shy away from it.
I remember years ago one of my colleagues singing that Blurred Lines song and saying how I didn’t like it due to the message. Another older male colleague told me to not bring things up like that at work! Despite the fact my other male colleague was the one who played it, he wasn’t told. Still happy I said something but I wish I’d said re the guy who played the song.
Patriarchy wants us to be quite, obedient, meek women. We need to speak up 🗣️
Too many parts that made me want to scream Yes, same!
And thank you for listing the recommended read, one in particular piqued my interest as the author came from the same region as I did, and probably similar traumatic problems as well.
Such a brilliant and very wise post. So much of this has been my experience too. So sorry for the loss of such a lovely mum and hats off to you for making your way as such an emboldened and coherent woman. I haven't read all the books but I know in my bones that if I had been given the freedom to follow my own path or had the confidence to do so, that I would be in a very different space in my life right now x
Beautiful post, Amanda. I keenly felt the loss of your mom and your other women relatives in your writing. I lost my dad at 17 and my mom at 24, and I felt very unmoored by both losses. For so long (decades) I turned my grief into action and perfectionism, until COVID took me down in 2020 and I have had to reckon with everything I carried that contributed to becoming chronically ill. The trauma, the grief, but also the way women are socialized is literally killing us. You really hit the nail on the head here. Thank you for your words 🩶
Thank you Amy. I'm so sorry about your losses, that must have been incredibly tough to go through. I too channeled a lot of grief into perfectionism and studying/working as a nurse (I'm starting to see a pattern with us chronically ill folk), and when I couldn't do that any longer because of my health (both mental and physical), it all sort of crumbled from there. Hello chronic illness! It forced me to finally seek help and therapy. It's only recently, now my nervous system is starting to reset, that I can see how much I was stuck in fight or flight mode for 20+ years! Isn't it amazing what we put up with for so long x
Truly amazing! It was only this year that I made the connection that having chronic migraines from 2010-2018 was my body’s way of trying to get my attention. I barely took a sick day during those years, kept pushing through. Just like I did through my initial COVID infection 🤦🏼♀️. Live and learn!
Oh my that sounds familiar! I was throwing up by the side of the road with stress when I was community nursing and driving around to people's homes. You would think that would have been enough of a wake up call 😄😏
I think about this a lot because I have a grown daughter with a 4 year old daughter of her own. The best start a little girl can have is a healthy relationship with her dad as well as her mum, and to be surrounded by people she feels completely safe with. For all kinds of reasons, many of us lacked those things. You are on the right tract reading Gabor Mate - he is extremely honest about his own blind spots as he healed from childhood trauma. I can also recommend “Medicine Woman” by Lucy Pearse for the medical perspective, and her Burning Woman for the rage and what to do with it. I am sure you will find support from many women here gathering in circle regularly to support and affirm one another. Substack has really helped me that way.
Thank you so much Miranda for your comment and also the book recommendations, I do love a good book! They're going on the list 😀
Substack has been so wonderful for that, I feel it's such a great place to hear (read) from all different kinds of perspectives, I'm learning so much and gaining so much strength from all these incredible people ☺️ x
Your dearest mother would be very proud of you and she has always been in your heart and loved you even when she was pregnant with you. There is a saying that says "Give me the child until he is 7 and I will give you the man" - should read 'woman' - and your beloved mother gave you that guidance ever since you were born when she held you tightly in her arms and looked after you every day so her wisdom and kindness was being imparted to you without you knowing and you have followed in her footsteps which is a marvellous compliment to her.
I believe also that your dearest husband saw all the 'beauty' in you and wanted to stay with you for ever so I think more than ever that 'being good and kind and thoughtful and loving' is still the best philosophy to follow.
Change is happening though as my mother used to give me a note to tell me what I should be doing as these thoughts were not said out loud so progress is happening for us women ever since we had the vote. It is still taking a long time but we are getting there through determined people like you and 'your readers' and we will change the way people think - only if they want to hear.
I am hoping that having written down all your thoughts on paper that you feel more energised and more at peace. Yes, I do believe women have more physical and mental problems just because we are females so its a bloody nuisance but with that comes more strength (not that we want it) but because females are the stronger sex and certainly more practical xxx Keep up with the good work Amanda and keep following in your mother's footsteps and creating your own......
Thanks Amber 💕 most of those books tell us what we already instinctively know, but it's nice to have it in black and white, it makes it a lot easier to stick up for yourself and almost gives me the 'permission' to feel all the feelings ☺️ x
Oh Amanda, I had full body chills reading this and found myself tearing up at so many points.
I, too, feel that there has to be some correlation between our lived experiences of being women and the fact that 80% of all autoimmune diseases are experienced by women. The body keeps the score, whether we want it to or not, and it's so hard to see what's happening and what we're holding within us until it's too late.
"People you look up to and love would sometimes say such derogatory comments. You know they love you, so why are they saying those things about women. You still love them, but you don't like what they have said. And that's why it's so complicated. The disrespect is enmeshed so deeply, even amongst the love."
This bit really caught me in the pit of my stomach, and I feel like it's the underlying themes that run through our interactions with those we love and trust that have the most impact. In the end, when we're younger, we're just trying to find a way through the world and trying to survive as best as we can. You're right to say that knowing we can't always trust people would be soul destroying to know at such a young age, and maybe that level of fear would do the same things to us. It sometimes feels like being stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I think I would encourage my younger self to get to know who I am more quickly. To learn to filter out the stuff outside of me more and focus on my inner world and what feels right for me. Easier said than done, but that's what's made me feel most secure in myself as an adult. I don't think there's an easy or quick fix, and unfortunately I think that girls are growing up dealing with almost identical problems nowadays, just in different settings. It's sad that this seems to be a part of being a woman - part of our lived experience.
Thank you Ruth 💞 this was a really tricky one to write (hence why it's so blumin long) and I was scared to press post, I think because it's such a complex issue but felt even more necessary to discuss with everything that's happening in the world right now. I love what you would say to your younger self. It feels really radical just allowing yourself to be you and shine through despite what the world may throw at you. This year I've tried to harden yet soften at the same time. I'm trying to put boundaries in place and filter out what doesn't help, but also not lose the empathy and sensitivity which I see as a gift. It's a tricky balance to learn, but I'm hopeful ☺️ x
I see you learning the balance between softness and hardness in the words you share ❤️
Thank you for being brave and sharing something that was really hard to share.
🥰
I started to read it, very well and authentically written, it is indeed very moving. To your comments, there is no quick fix, but one of the most powerful ways no matter what age is to indeed do the uncomfortable. Love them with their limited views but stay committed courageously to what your inner senses tell you what feels wrong or right for you in that time. Living this courageously and unapologetically will pave the path for these younger and little ones coming after you. They will have their role models in exactly those who live what they would secretely wish to. At the moment I see there is a movement growing with courageous women on Social Media no matter the age who show up authentically living their own values and findings, what they find healthy and nurturing for themselves without taking any consideration what the dictates of the day are for a woman how to look like, how to show up and in finding and following these rare gems it will grow! What we focus on grows and living our true inner wisdom will change this world for good! Very soon. We have to be the examples and wayshowers so that others can find their way in these complexities and willingly confusing times. Hope this makes sense in a nutshell.
I love this, thank you. I think there is a place for social media to be a source of goodness and positivity. Substack in particular has been a wonderful place for me to see how others are authentically living their lives and it gives me hope and inspiration. I'm getting better at filtering out what doesn't make me feel good, but then also asking myself why it doesn't and working through that.
I like your point about loving them with their limited views but keeping committed with your inner senses. I think I had a time of shutting everyone out thinking that was the way to stay afloat, but I'm learning that life doesn't work like, you have to learn to live amongst the chaos and the opposing views but staying grounded through it all. Thanks for your comment ☺️ x
It makes beautiful sense, Taipari - thank you for your reply 🙏🏻
I would tell the younger me to follow my own path, not to be diverted by other people’s opinions of what I should be. I’m convinced I wouldn’t have Autoimmune conditions now if I’d followed my bliss then. X
Thanks for sharing what you would say to younger you, I would tell my younger self to follow my own path more as well 💕 I look back and see she was so conflicted in trying to please everyone else and be a good person (whatever 'good' means) that I forgot what I wanted for myself. I wish it wasn't an autoimmune disease that made us all realise this, it feels like a blessing and a curse all in one sometimes! x
It is sad that it takes something so life changing to make us realise we are just as important. I know there are blessings to be found in everything, but sometimes I wished I’d learnt the lesson when it was a written test rather than having to take the practical one 😳😘
Argh I wish that too! Throwing us into the deep end 😅
Oh crikey what a cracking read. You’re an excellent writer and touch on so many points I’ve been feeling about feminism and its connection to chronic illness/pain.
The talk about the effect chronic stress has on the body and in turn its impact on health. I’ve long thought that about my health but also struggled against an ability and sexist society to reduce that stress. That weird relationship of emotions and being fobbed off as it being ‘all in your head’ or ‘stress’ etc…
My mum is alive but wasn’t able to be who I wanted or needed her to be so a lot of this really resonated with me in a weird way. I’ve had to grieve over the years a loss of mum to chronic illness, mental health issues, probable neurodiversity, new boyfriends and just her lack of want.
Which makes reading your loss feel heavier, I feel awful feeling it and voicing it, but I’ve felt it many times. That your mum isn’t here and she was so very wanting and able to be in a mothering role.
I really welled up at the part where your dad asked in the supermarket what pads to buy for his teenage daughter. It was such a specific type of loss that was just so unfair on all of you but also how much he loves you and tries. But also how hard that must have been for him. But also the shame for you (you don’t mention it but I’m sure it was internalised that it was something you don’t speak to men about). I think it made me emotional as I didn’t have anyone doing that for me.
I remember a girlfriend of my dad’s mentioning tampons and going out to the corner shop with my pocket money to buy some. Then my mum finding them and being like ‘who told you about these’. She was so angry, but I’ve never looked back to understand why.
It was such an emotional read as I felt so much come up for me ! I’ve got endo but it’s from my dad’s side so my mum would say ‘you can’t have a day off school for your period’ even though I’d be doubled in pain, bleeding heavily and vomiting. She’s also a nurse so perhaps was harsher 😆
Wowzer, cracking. Loving reading your stuff! ❤️❤️❤️ I could say so much in response to this!
Thank you so much for the lovely comments and also sharing your own feelings that got stirred up after reading it 💕. You actually gave me the courage to post this, as I wrote it during the writers zoom meeting a few weeks back and I remember saying I was worried it will come across as 'too politcal' and you said something along the lines of that's actually why I should post it! So here it is ☺️ Isn't it weird how just existing in a female body can feel political 😌 x
Hahaa and I loved it! Clearly I was encouraging you to write something that I wanted to read 😆 or even needed to read.
Interestingly, I didn’t find it political. I found it feminist but not political. Well I’m so glad you got it out into the world as it’s a fabulous read, I still find myself mulling over parts of it.
I think female bodies have been politicalised! Men are in politics and so it’s no wonder that’s the case. But we shouldn’t shy away from it.
I remember years ago one of my colleagues singing that Blurred Lines song and saying how I didn’t like it due to the message. Another older male colleague told me to not bring things up like that at work! Despite the fact my other male colleague was the one who played it, he wasn’t told. Still happy I said something but I wish I’d said re the guy who played the song.
Patriarchy wants us to be quite, obedient, meek women. We need to speak up 🗣️
🙌
Too many parts that made me want to scream Yes, same!
And thank you for listing the recommended read, one in particular piqued my interest as the author came from the same region as I did, and probably similar traumatic problems as well.
Thank you! I'm glad you found the list useful 💕 x
Same same same! It's an immense learning journey! 😍
Argh it sure is! Sending you lots of hugs 💕 x
Such a brilliant and very wise post. So much of this has been my experience too. So sorry for the loss of such a lovely mum and hats off to you for making your way as such an emboldened and coherent woman. I haven't read all the books but I know in my bones that if I had been given the freedom to follow my own path or had the confidence to do so, that I would be in a very different space in my life right now x
Thank you so much. I feel you! 💕 x
Beautiful post, Amanda. I keenly felt the loss of your mom and your other women relatives in your writing. I lost my dad at 17 and my mom at 24, and I felt very unmoored by both losses. For so long (decades) I turned my grief into action and perfectionism, until COVID took me down in 2020 and I have had to reckon with everything I carried that contributed to becoming chronically ill. The trauma, the grief, but also the way women are socialized is literally killing us. You really hit the nail on the head here. Thank you for your words 🩶
Thank you Amy. I'm so sorry about your losses, that must have been incredibly tough to go through. I too channeled a lot of grief into perfectionism and studying/working as a nurse (I'm starting to see a pattern with us chronically ill folk), and when I couldn't do that any longer because of my health (both mental and physical), it all sort of crumbled from there. Hello chronic illness! It forced me to finally seek help and therapy. It's only recently, now my nervous system is starting to reset, that I can see how much I was stuck in fight or flight mode for 20+ years! Isn't it amazing what we put up with for so long x
Truly amazing! It was only this year that I made the connection that having chronic migraines from 2010-2018 was my body’s way of trying to get my attention. I barely took a sick day during those years, kept pushing through. Just like I did through my initial COVID infection 🤦🏼♀️. Live and learn!
Oh my that sounds familiar! I was throwing up by the side of the road with stress when I was community nursing and driving around to people's homes. You would think that would have been enough of a wake up call 😄😏
Oh my! We are so conditioned to put ourselves last 😟
Such a beautiful piece, Amanda 🫶🏽
Thank you so much Ingrid 💕
I think about this a lot because I have a grown daughter with a 4 year old daughter of her own. The best start a little girl can have is a healthy relationship with her dad as well as her mum, and to be surrounded by people she feels completely safe with. For all kinds of reasons, many of us lacked those things. You are on the right tract reading Gabor Mate - he is extremely honest about his own blind spots as he healed from childhood trauma. I can also recommend “Medicine Woman” by Lucy Pearse for the medical perspective, and her Burning Woman for the rage and what to do with it. I am sure you will find support from many women here gathering in circle regularly to support and affirm one another. Substack has really helped me that way.
Thank you so much Miranda for your comment and also the book recommendations, I do love a good book! They're going on the list 😀
Substack has been so wonderful for that, I feel it's such a great place to hear (read) from all different kinds of perspectives, I'm learning so much and gaining so much strength from all these incredible people ☺️ x
Your dearest mother would be very proud of you and she has always been in your heart and loved you even when she was pregnant with you. There is a saying that says "Give me the child until he is 7 and I will give you the man" - should read 'woman' - and your beloved mother gave you that guidance ever since you were born when she held you tightly in her arms and looked after you every day so her wisdom and kindness was being imparted to you without you knowing and you have followed in her footsteps which is a marvellous compliment to her.
I believe also that your dearest husband saw all the 'beauty' in you and wanted to stay with you for ever so I think more than ever that 'being good and kind and thoughtful and loving' is still the best philosophy to follow.
Change is happening though as my mother used to give me a note to tell me what I should be doing as these thoughts were not said out loud so progress is happening for us women ever since we had the vote. It is still taking a long time but we are getting there through determined people like you and 'your readers' and we will change the way people think - only if they want to hear.
I am hoping that having written down all your thoughts on paper that you feel more energised and more at peace. Yes, I do believe women have more physical and mental problems just because we are females so its a bloody nuisance but with that comes more strength (not that we want it) but because females are the stronger sex and certainly more practical xxx Keep up with the good work Amanda and keep following in your mother's footsteps and creating your own......
Thank you so much Didi, that's comforting to hear, as you were the one that probably knew her the best 🥰 x
I have so much to say on this ! But I’ll probs just leave it to the fact that I hear every word !
Such a huge awakening for us to have. And for many of us, in the midst of autoimmune disease and chronic illness.
I love the reading list!
I wrote a post on my theory on why chronic illness is so prevalent in women:
https://open.substack.com/pub/warriorwithin/p/friday-13th-superstition-and-bad
Thanks Amber 💕 most of those books tell us what we already instinctively know, but it's nice to have it in black and white, it makes it a lot easier to stick up for yourself and almost gives me the 'permission' to feel all the feelings ☺️ x